Thursday, December 15, 2005

the Edge | by Mike


Young man, there's a place you can go
I said young man, when you're short on your dough
When you think about it, you have to admit that bowl season is one big bundle of absurdity. Silly bowl names (the Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl! the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl! the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl!), Dangerfield-worthy bowl committee blazers, puerile (in a bad way) actions of an outraged fanbase, pissed off that no one was impressed with their marquee victory over 7-4 Fresno State (if that last bit left you wondering if something can be puerile in a good way, the answer is yes), and all manner of crazy pageantry, both sublime and silly.

With Teds' comprehensive review of the Buckeyes fulfilling our duty to provide legitimate analysis of the game, we're now free to present our contribution to bowl season inanity (inspired by the inimitable House That Rock Built). Here's our breakdown of factors that, though certain to have an impact on the game, the oddsmakers appear to have overlooked:

Category
Ohio State
Notre Dame
Edge
Heisman Trophies


Six



Seven

Distinctive Fashion Choice


Sweatervest



Hood

Distance from Ann Arbor


192.83 miles


177.73 miles
Rock/Pop Alumni


O.A.R.


Ted Leo
Gameday Tradition


Play, like, a tuba today


Play Like A Champion Today
Wide Receiver's First Name

Santonio


Jeff

Cornerback's First Name


Ashton


Mike
Apropos
Wu Tang Lyric




"Rumble with patrolmen, tear gas laced the function"





"We return like Jesus, when the whole world needs us"

90's Lombardi Award Winner


Pace


Taylor
First round draft choice who said he was retiring from the NFL early to become a doctor became a...

Third-string ESPN analyst


Doctor

Artistic Alumnus


Roy Lichtenstein


Jay
Investment Strategy


Straight cash, homie


Berkshire Hathaway
Helmets

déclassé


the gold standard
(Even William Jennings Bryan digs this one)

Novelty Song


The Dead Schembechlers,
"Bo For 24"


Marco, "The Day The Losing Died"
Push

That looks like a 9-4-1 advantage for Notre Dame in these critical areas. Adjust your bets accordingly.