Thursday, September 06, 2007

Irish Head to Happy Valley for First Time Since '91 | by Brian

Fresh off of a disappointing season opener against Georgia Tech, things get no easier for Notre Dame as they prepare to hit the road to face one of the favorites in the Big Ten, the Penn St. Nittany Lions. I would love to write about the excitement surrounding the teams' first meeting in Beaver Stadium since 1991. I would love to write about the anticipation of the first start in the career of Jimmy Clausen. I would love to write about a lot of things, but unfortunately, the buildup for this long-awaited matchup has been overshadowed by a developing scandal, which could shake the Notre Dame program to its very foundation.

Scandal and Chicanery: A Blue-Gray Sky EXCLUSIVE

One of the leaders of the Penn St. defense is Dan Connor, the 6'3", 233 lb. senior from Wallingford, PA. Connor is the latest Butkus Award candidate to wear the blue and white of Linebacker U. He will be a handful for an Irish offense looking to establish an identity after a disastrous performance in the opener.

John Goodman, on the other hand, has verbally committed to join Notre Dame in the fall of 2008. The Irish list Goodman as a 6'3", 186 lb. wide receiver from Fort Wayne, IN.

However, in a Blue-Gray Sky EXCLUSIVE, we can reveal photographic evidence that proves something so shocking, I can barely bring myself to report it: John Goodman and Dan Connor are THE SAME PERSON! In this photo, Connor/Goodman and an unidentified woman take in the Michigan/Appalachian St. game on the Big Ten Network:

Somebody call Jeff Carroll.

See what happens, Charlie?
See what happens when
in the ALPS?
Attempting to pass off a player under an assumed name, in order to extend his college eligibility, is an NCAA violation of the highest order. Once again, Notre Dame head footbawl coach, and former resident of the 2nd floor of Flanner Hall, Charlie Weis shows that he thinks the rules don't apply to him. Have you no shame, Coach? Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last?

You Don't Go Into the B.S. and Push Penn St. Around

The Nittany Lions are coming off of an impressive 59-0 victory over the visiting Golden Panthers of Florida International (the only Panthers that Penn St. will play these days). Penn St. quarterback Anthony Morelli was an impressive 23-38 for 295 yards and 3 touchdowns, perhaps finding his stride as he begins his second year as the starter.

Then again, the performance came against lowly Florida International, representing the mighty Sun Belt Conference. While that may seem like the typical early-season cupcake opponent, however, Florida International has been known to act a little feisty toward their hosts.

Joepa: Coach, Teacher, and Patriot Since Nineteen Dickety-Two

Penn St. head footbawl coach Joepa Terno is a bona fide institution/deity/regional treasure among Nittany Lion faithful, but has the game passed him by? We asked Coach Terno that very question at his weekly press conference, and this was his response:

Remember the Maine.
"Ah, heck, you know, the kids are different today, what with their Ataris, and X-Pods, you know, and their motorcars. But the game's basically the same as it was when I started coaching. There's still nine guys per team, you know, and touchdowns count as four points each, and most coaches still look at the forward pass as a cheap gimmick. And, heck, I mean, just look at our road uniforms. They've always been all-white 'cause the government needs the paint and dye supplies for the war effort, you know, to help defeat the Spaniards."

Eat at Your Own Risk

The Penn St. community proudly offers Peachypa Terno ice cream. It is only available on the Penn St. campus. Word is that the flavor does not have FDA approval due to its high fat content.

A similarly dangerous foodstuff can be found on the Notre Dame campus. Late at night, the LaFortune Student Center proudly offers Quarter Dogs, which are quite simply hot dogs sold for the low, low price of 25 cents each. This is a meat product the likes of which haven't been seen since the muckraking days of Upton Sinclair.

QB Browns Alert Level: BLACK

Throughout the season, we will periodically update you on the progress of fan favorite QB Browns in his rookie campaign. He will start the season on the bench, as the enigmatic (read: not particularly good) Charlie Frye has been given the nod to start against the Browns' archrivals, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

To give you an idea of QB Browns's progress, I have developed a handy, color-coded Alert Level to keep you abreast of his status. The levels are as follows:

BROWN: Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl
The Toast of Cleveland
YELLOW: Bench Pressing Steely McBeam
Starting, but Unproven
Pummelled by the Ravens Defense

It has been widely reported that QB Browns lost millions when he slipped from a presumptive top ten pick to the 22nd selection in the NFL Draft. Times are so desperate that he has gotten his hair cut clean off, presumably selling the clippings to one of those companies that makes wigs out of human hair.

One hopes for his sake that the haircut doesn't have the same effect as it did on Samson or the circa 1995 Eddie Van Halen.

Behold! The Blind Oracle at Bristol Speaks

After an alarmingly accurate forecast presaging the outcome of the Georgia Tech game, the Blind Oracle at Bristol returns to give his prediction for this week's game.

"Beware the Beaver---danger lies that way. From mountain high, the lion descends, ready to strike. The gray man, Death incarnate, foretells doom. Bottom line, the Irish lack the team speed to keep up with the Nittany Lions. Penn State beats Notre Dame 35-10."