the Edge | by Mike

Young man, there's a place you can go I said young man, when you're short on your dough

When you think about it, you have to admit that bowl season is one big bundle of absurdity. Silly bowl names (the Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl! the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl! the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl!), Dangerfield-worthy bowl committee blazers, puerile (in a bad way) actions of an outraged fanbase, pissed off that no one was impressed with their marquee victory over 7-4 Fresno State (if that last bit left you wondering if something can be puerile in a good way, the answer is yes), and all manner of crazy pageantry, both sublime and silly.

With Teds' comprehensive review of the Buckeyes fulfilling our duty to provide legitimate analysis of the game, we're now free to present our contribution to bowl season inanity (inspired by the inimitable House That Rock Built). Here's our breakdown of factors that, though certain to have an impact on the game, the oddsmakers appear to have overlooked:

Category	Ohio State	Notre Dame	Edge
Heisman Trophies	Six	Seven
Distinctive Fashion Choice	Sweatervest	Hood
Distance from Ann Arbor	192.83 miles	177.73 miles
Rock/Pop Alumni	O.A.R.	Ted Leo
Gameday Tradition	Play, like, a tuba today	Play Like A Champion Today
Wide Receiver's First Name	Santonio	Jeff
Cornerback's First Name	Ashton	Mike
Apropos Wu Tang Lyric	"Rumble with patrolmen, tear gas laced the function"	"We return like Jesus, when the whole world needs us"
90's Lombardi Award Winner	Pace	Taylor
First round draft choice who said he was retiring from the NFL early to become a doctor became a...	Third-string ESPN analyst	Doctor
Artistic Alumnus	Roy Lichtenstein	Jay
Investment Strategy	Straight cash, homie	Berkshire Hathaway
Helmets	déclassé	the gold standard (Even William Jennings Bryan digs this one)
Novelty Song	The Dead Schembechlers, "Bo For 24"	Marco, "The Day The Losing Died"	Push

That looks like a 9-4-1 advantage for Notre Dame in these critical areas. Adjust your bets accordingly.