Pop Goes The Weasel | by Dylan

I'm a pretty forgiving fellow. I don't suffer from Irish Alzheimer's. I'm able to let things go, for the most part. There are, however, a few things in this world that gnaw at me. The cancellation of the World Series in 1994 with the White Sox poised to get there is one of them. Not going to that party (because someone had to get up in the morning and pay the bills on Buffy, the Vampire Slayer) in 1992 that ended up in a limo with Mick Jagger and a jam with the house band at King King. That's another. Neither of them bothers me as much as the fact that Bob Davie was ever allowed to set foot on Notre Dame's campus.

WARNING: This post is going to blow our PG-13 rating straight to hell.

Davie was the subject of Teddy Greenstein's column Friday, and displayed the form we've come to know too well; that of a lying, self-serving, myopic, excuse-making, spineless bag of dog shit. The reason Davie's continued existence bothers me so much is that these qualities were known prior to his hiring as head coach. They are the essence of the man. What burns me is that these essential characteristics, which should have made the thought of Davie as head coach repulsive, were the affirmative qualifications for the type of toady Monk was eyeing to take over after Lou Holtz's departure. Davie was a gutless, ethically challenged man of no conviction, and that's exactly what Monk needed to regain control after the renegade Holtz. The hiring of Bob Davie was worse than the hiring of Ty Willingham, which was merely clueless. Davie's hiring was a collaborative act of sabotage.

But this is ancient history, so why waste time on this guy? Why exert the effort? Because this idiot, who steered his inferior 2000 team away from an historic upset and into a futile overtime at home against the defending National Champions, has become a respected member of the College Football commentariat. This blockhead, The Bullet, says things, dumb things, to which people misguidedly give credence. So let us examine this douchebag's pearls, as relayed by the Trib.

Greenstein gives us the lay of the land in his first Haugh-esque sentence-paragraph by saying that ND "bounced" the Boob. You see, Notre Dame is just a bunch of greedy jackals for derailing the 35-25 Davie Express. Luckily, the Bullet bails us out in the next paragraph:

"While I was coaching, I didn't even realize guys got paid for doing it," he said of the analyst business. "That's how naive I was."

This is, succinctly, why Bob Davie didn't make it at Notre Dame, why he'll never be a successful head coach, and why he makes a perfect ESPN analyst. He's either lying or monumentally stupid, and neither matters to him. The idea that this bumpkin didn't know that televsion announcers were not volunteers or conscripts is laughable. But, as a TV gum-flapper, he now lives comfortably in the realm of the consequence-free utterance, a land foreign to men with responsibility. Aw, shucks, Bob. TV folks get paid? You're a dick.

After some stroking about Bob's new booth-derived respect (which must be dizzying in its unfamiliarity, sort of like how Gary Cherone felt onstage with Van Halen) and an oh-my-God-I-hope-this-is-not-an-omen nugget about selling his house to Charlie Weis, Bullet bursts into his greatest hits:

Davie, who now lives in Scottsdale, Ariz., said Notre Dame has "completely changed" since he left after posting a 35-25 record over five years.

The proof: A reported $2-million-a-year salary for the head coach; the opening of a $21.25 million on-campus facility that will house football locker rooms, offices and meeting rooms; and a head coach Tyrone Willingham fired three years into a six-year contract.

"Now Notre Dame is really like everyone else," Davie said. "It's all about winning."

Let's try and untie this logical knot. First, by upgrading the facilities and increasing the coach's salary, ND has completely changed since he left. Never mind that 20,000+ seat expansion which he dedicated in 1997 with the "1" in his 1-4 start. Bob understands a radical shift in priorities when he sees one. If only he had been afforded some of those advantages! Second, he was the coach for five years and took a 35-25 dump, for which he was rightly flushed. Apparently (and, obviously, to his relief), Notre Dame was not "all about winning" then. Since then, and because of him, the University has chosen to demand a certain level of success from its coaches, regardless of their contractual status. Davie is pining for the good old days of no accountability and systemic mediocrity, of which he is a champion. The Boob, whose wind-tunnel haircut is designed to repel irony, doesn't realize that if it weren't for him, Ty Willingham would still be the coach. My God, Bob. What you don't know about Notre Dame would choke a thousand castrated bulls. Get a grip, you loser.

From there, numb nuts goes on to throw blame around like Barry Bonds at a BALCO hearing:

"It comes down to the admission director's frame of mind—or his mood at some point," Davie said, referring to the school's director of admissions, Dan Saracino. "It's such a subjective process. It may depend on the mom and dad—or whether it's a good high school. It may depend on if it's snowing outside. It's one guy's vote."

Sure, Bob. You don't suck. It's all Dan Saracino's fault, not to mention the lake effect snow. Get your head out of your ass. Saracino, whatever you may think of him, is right when he told Eric Hansen of the SBT:

"Things don't change," Saracino said. "We've heard those kinds of things for 40 years in the admissions office. I remember when the Sports Illustrated article came out a few years ago talking about it, I got a note from (former Irish coaching great) Ara Parseghian saying, 'Dan, don't let it bother you.' It will always probably be like this.

"People say things like, 'Well (former ND All-American) Chris Zorich wouldn't be admitted today. Where are all the Chris Zoriches now?' Well, that's an insult to Chris Zorich. I know Chris, and Chris will tell you about the fact that he went to summer school, that he added courses to his senior year at Chicago Vocational, because he wanted Notre Dame.

"For a student who is that committed to Notre Dame, who wants to do the work at Notre Dame, we're always going to find a spot for him."

Exactly. Everyone with a thimble-full of knowledge of the way the University works understands that this is the case. If Davie failed to get "the Chris Zoriches" in, that's on him, not Dan Saracino. It would be more accurate for Davie to say "I would have lost with Lou Holtz's recruits" than to say "I couldn't get the players I needed to win." You are such a pussy, Bob.

The paranoia fully rooted, Bullet Bob, as dumb as a bag of hammers, says:

I would doubt that (new Florida coach) Urban [Meyer] and (his predecessor) Ron Zook talked much," he said. "I don't see Charlie Weis and Ty talking much. It's just the nature of it. The real things you'd want to talk about, you can't. It's real political. You don't want to say something that would offend."

As an analyst, Davie now can say whatever he wants.

[Inaudible]. Sorry, let me speak up. What a dumbass. Can you say "projection?" I think Bob may have had a little Freudian slip here. "The real things you'd want to talk about, you can't. It's real political." I think Boob's got the flow of the conversation backward, but I think he's nailed the reasons why Weis won't be calling on him. Charlie would have no problem telling him what a know-nothing, dishonest, deceitful, buck-passing disgrace he is. But Charlie probably doesn't want to say something that would offend.

As an analyst, I can say whatever I want. Do us all a favor, Bullet. Keep your mouth shut. You know as much about Notre Dame as I know about being under Jackie Sherrill's Desk.

Correction: Memory is a tricky thing. As pointed out by ShermanOaksND over at NDN, Nebraska was not the defending National Champs in 2000. They were the reigning #1 at the time. I regret the error. Those are four words you'll never hear the Bullet say about playing for overtime, by the way.