Friday, May 13, 2005

The War Room | by Dylan

This is a rush transcript - NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION

Emergency Meeting - 5/1/05 8:00 AM


Pete Carroll
Lloyd Carr
Tyrone Willingham
Ed Orgeron
Phil Fulmer
Steve Spurrier
Joe Paterno
Bobby Bowden

Minutes transcribed by War Room secretary Urban Meyer

Coach Carroll: Okay. Hey fellas, this is great. Let’s rock and roll, alright? Man, I’m jazzed to be here. I’m just, like, totally jazzed and ready to PARTY! PHIL! Easy on the bear claws!

Coach Fulmer: grmphl shruotnbbsgf...

Coach Paterno: WHA? Whoozat? (snort)

Carroll: Sorry, JoePa! Sometimes I get a little jazzed, you know? Psyched! I’m totally jacked! You might wanna turn down your Miracle Ear. Anyway, I brought you here because we have to talk about Notre Dame.

Coach Orgeron: AAGHHH you sonsabitches! I dare any one of you to squat with me. Who wants to kick me in the jimmy? I said, WHO WANTS TO KICK ME IN THE JIMMY?!?

Carroll: Uhh, coach. Put your shirt back on, please.

Orgeron: You pansy mothereffers, I’ll whip every frackin razzamuffin batch packin one of you!

(Orgeron barrels out of the room, knocking the door off its hinges)

Carroll: It's 8:02 and we're already down a door. Urban, make a note to take it out of Orgeron’s check. That dude is JACKED. Like I was sayin’, we got a problem. There’s something brewing in South Bend, and I don’t like the smell of it.

Coach Spurrier: Hold on a sec, Pete. Urby, you clean my clubs? You're loopin’ at 6:30 sharp, and they better not look like they did this mornin’. Got that, sweetheart?

Carroll: HA! You're totally fleepin' hilarious, but can it wait Steve?

There's a knock at the door.

Carroll: EVERYBODY DOWN! Bobby hit the lights. I think it's Ricky! Steve-o, you can hide under the table with me!

Neuheisel: Guys? Hey, guys? Awww, c'mon! Lemme in, guys. Fine. I'm slipping my resume under the door....and some bracket sheets for next year's tournament.

Neuheisel walks off.

Carroll: Whew! That was close! My heart's totally jacked, like a thousand beats a minute. Ball Coach, touch my chest and feel that sucker!

Spurrier: I'll defer on that one, sugar.

Carroll: Like I was saying, we got a problem here. We gotta figure out what to do about Charlie and the Irish. He’s getting players, he’s getting buy-in from the alums-

Fulmer: Buy-in? How much? If it's more than $200K I gotta git my agent on the horn, pronto. Gimme that bacon.

Carroll: Not like that, Phil. Dang! Stay with me, fellas. Fans, alums, players, the new administration, they’re all on board. Everyone's getting fired up. We’re in a whole heap of trouble, my friends.

Coach Bowden: Whoa, now just hold on there just a dang ol’ second. I seen this here Weis up’n at the dang ol’ Boston team there in them Super Bowls winnin’ Gawd knows what all in the freezin’ cold with the other guys who was just like ‘em. It's just a dang ol’ football coach is all.

Carroll: Bobby, that’s a GREAT point! So we gotta ask the question, "how are we gonna fix this?" I’ve invited Coach Willingham to join us today to give us the inside dirt on Notre Dame and how to keep 'em down and out. What's the story, Ty? What makes them tick?

Coach Willingham: First things first, okay? It is our sincere intention to make the most out of the upcoming season and the experiences that our young men experience, okay? Football is a very precise and physical game, which one plays.

Carroll: Right. Now about Notre Dame?

Willingham: Well, in order to understand it, you need to address the foundations that one brings into these circumstances, okay? As one builds that knowledge base, you have a situation where the rest falls into place in the way our young men apply important principles. Okay?

Carroll: And? Anything in particular?

Willingham: The Irish are a vicious animal?

Willingham sprints stoically from the conference room with his arm raised, giving a #1 sign.

Carroll: I apologize for that, fellas. Don’t know what I was thinking. I figured he must have picked up something. (dejected) He's so not jacked. Alright, so how do we handle this guy Charlie?

Coach Carr: Don't ask me. I never wanted these guys on the schedule to begin with. Football fans aren't interested in Michigan-Notre Dame. They want to see Michigan-UCF. Michigan-Buffalo. You know, marquee matchups.

Fulmer: Does Horsey Sauce go on a cinnamon twist? And to hell with it anyway, I ain't sweatin' Notre Dame.

Spurrier: C'mon Phil. I saw you sweat through seven of them awful orange t-shirts against 'em, and it was November. Seriously, it looked like you were carryin' two greasy pumpkin pies under your arms.

Paterno, who has been dozing off, suddenly wakes up.

Paterno: HOLY CRAP, did he run outta here in a hurry! Ara gets along pretty good for a guy his age. Looks like he’s been playing too much golf, though. Pansy shouldn’t have played for the tie against MSU last year. I remember the first time I coached against him. Like it was yesterday. It was 1958. My 63rd birthday. Dottie, wheel me closer to the light...

Carroll: Oh, brother. C’mon dudes! Get with it! Steve, you’re a genius like me. I love this guy! You were a legend at Florida and coached against the Irish when they were a powerhouse. How did you beat them?

Spurrier: Well, ahh, first you gotta git yourself a good visor...

CRASH! Orgeron has returned.

Carroll: Make that two doors.

Orgeron: Bazzle dunkin flip swattin' pieces of donkey puke, WHO WANTS A PIECE! But to your point, Pete, it is my contention that the real problem is that the Irish are going to be, as Charlie has foreseen, "nasty" this year. In years past, they were not. They were poorly coached. They were soft. They were abandoned on game day. They were anything but "nasty." Mr. Chairman, we cannot allow a "nasty" gap!

Paterno: Mein Fuhrer! Heh...I'm sorry. Mr. Orgeron.

Orgeron: Has anyone seen my pants?

Fulmer: Lloyd, you gon’ eat that? Mmff...Petey, what the hell are you doin?

Carroll has wrapped himself around Spurrier's right leg.

Bowden: Like some kind a dang ol’ schnauzer done just got out a prison and ain’t had a lady in 30 years so’s he’s all worked up like a runaway piston engine with some kind a foofy haircut looks just like a dang ol’ poodle is all.

Spurrier: First Dan Snyder, now you? You owe me five million clams, twinkie.

Carroll: Sorry, Steve. But I’m just so daggone JACKED I can hardly take it anymore! Ed, you were saying? Ed?

Coach O is sanding the fireplace with his forehead.

Carroll: Dang, fellas! I gotta beat this Weis guy. Who’s gonna tell me how to…what’s that Urban? Norm Chow on two? Okay. Hello, Norm. Yes, of course. What’s that, Norm? You're in Nashville? No. No, Norm, there must be some mistake. No, I'm certain of that. I'm perfectly certain of that, Norm. Just a second. (puts down phone) You know what he says? He says he never got the contract extension....Norm? Norm? I think he's hung up on me.

Fulmer: When's lunch git here?

Carroll: Phil, it's 8:15. We need to get back on track, fellas! I'm a little worried. I'm hearing Weis use words like "adjustments" and "personnel" and "scheme." I'm gonna have to game-plan these guys now, and that makes, like, three games a year I gotta work on! I'm spread too thin, and when I'm spread too thin, I can't get partied up. I need help!

Carr: C'mon, Pete. You can handle it, right? You used to coach the Patriots just like Charlie Weis. Can't pad your schedule with teams like Eastern Michigan there, can you? How'd that turn out, anyway? You got fired, and he won three Super Bowls?

Carroll: I released myself on my own recognizance. Lloyd, the NFL's overrated anyway. The PAC-10, now THERE'S a challenge. But hey, why are you picking on ME? Spurrier flamed out in the NFL too! Pick on HIM!

Suddenly, the temperature in the War Room drops thirty degrees. A disembodied voice says...

Disembodied Voice: I have seen the future...beware the blue and gold...beware the IRISH!

Bowden: Well I'll be a free-loadin', hog-ridin', monkey chaser! It's Joe Paterno's ghost!

Paterno: What the hell are you doing here?

Paterno's Ghost: I was about to ask you the same thing.

The coaches run screaming from the room.

Paterno: But I'm not dead yet!

Paterno's Ghost: The hell you ain't. You've been dead for three years. You bought it when you tried to run down that official in Columbus. Haven't you noticed that when you take a leak, dust comes out?

Paterno: Well, now that you mention it...

Paterno's Ghost: And that the only guy who talks to you is that kid from The Sixth Sense?

Carroll: Fellas! We gotta finish the meeting! Somebody's gotta help me with this ND thing. I mean, they might actually be good again!

Paterno's Ghost: Well don't look at me, toots!

(Paterno's ghost disappears in a puff of grey smoke)

Paterno: (sobbing) STOP! TAKE ME TO THE LIGHT!

Dang! Coach Paterno's ghost is JACKED!